Do you ever find yourself dreading a particular conversation you need to have, or a message you must send?
Or perhaps thinking about this holiday season, in the current divisive climate, makes you wary of family gatherings.
Not only do the stressors of difficult communications like these impact our health, they also can trigger stress reactions that harm our relationships with others.
So, how do we unwind those triggered reactions and respond from a calm and kind place? A place that recognizes what connects us and seeks common ground.
Behaviorally, our communication patterns can become habitual. Without conscious choice, we may close off a possible moment of connection with another through our repetitive stress reactions.
This can occur both verbally and nonverbally, including gesture, posture, tone, volume, and so on.
By bringing attention to our habitual reactions, we open the possibility of kinder, more empathetic ways of responding to others – no matter how difficult the communication.
A mindfulness practice provides a means to break those habits and grow our interpersonal resilience by:
✨ increasing awareness of/attention to how we communicate when difficulties arise
✨ accepting that moments of avoidance and challenge will likely arise
✨ creating space for choice & possibility around how we respond in our interactions
When engaging in difficult communications, there are four typical personas that people adopt. Take notice of which of the following personas you recognize in yourself:
1) Taking too much responsibility for the difficulty:
I’m so sorry. I know I messed up. I’ll do better next time. I just need a little more time.
2) Avoidance and walk away:
I don’t have time right now. I have another meeting to go to. I need to take care of something else.
3) Holding ground, pushing back, irritation or frustration:
I’m tired of you always blaming me. I don’t feel as though I have your support. Whenever we are together, you are not taking responsibility for your part in our difficulties
4) Openness, engagement and compromise:
Is this a good time for us to talk? I’m wondering how we can sort this out. Do you have any ideas?
With this increased self-awareness of your own patterns, the door to choosing a kinder response is opened.
An important step in the process is letting go of the conviction that you have the only right opinion. Adopting a curiosity about what underlies a differing opinion opens the door to finding common ground.
Empathy is developed by recognizing that, like you, your communication partner may also be in the grip of a habitual stress reaction.
Managing your own self-care during a period of stressful communication or overwhelm is essential. It helps strengthen your resilience and creates space for choice and possibility by settling your nervous system.
One especially nourishing practice is Legs On a Chair, which can be practiced as demonstrated below.
How to Practice:
🍃 Prior to assuming the position, set your timer to 5-10 minutes.
🍃 Once settled in position, connect to the feeling of your full inhale and full exhale
🍃 Sense your body sinking into gravity at all points supported by a surface
🍃 Return your attention to one of the above two anchors when your thoughts become active
When your timer goes off, come out of the pose slowly and return to your day from a calmer, more grounded place.
Wishing you a week of inner calm and connection.
Let your wisdom lead,
Robin
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